After the Hurricane

Every morning I wake up wondering how I can be expected to function given that I feel like I need another 12 hours of sleep (at least). But then the day starts, Nathan squeals through the baby monitor asking to be picked up, after breakfast the doorbell rings with the first therapist of the day, the phone starts ringing with doctor’s offices, equipment people, social workers, business clients; Nathan finishes therapy and needs to be taken somewhere, or a snack, or a bath, and so on and so forth. From the moment I leave my room the day feels like an assault, it’s like I am already drained but I have to get on a treadmill and go go go. But I have always been a trooper, I call forth adrenaline, and since I’m already on the treadmill I might as well sprint, why just walk. So off I go until 9 pm arrives and Nathan’s been put down and I collapse in front of my computer to collect my thoughts (and write here and read my forums and friend’s blogs).

So a couple of days ago Owen came to my office during my “unwinding” and found me in tears. I didn’t really even know why I was crying until we started talking. And that’s when I realized just how emotionally and physically exhausted I am from everything we’ve done and been through. Mostly what I found insurmountably stressful was the responsibility, trying to protect Nathan and make the best decisions not just for his present but also for his future.

As we talked it became clear that I simply needed time off. So Owen reluctantly agree to take on responsibility for Nathan. Since before Nathan was born I’ve always been the one driving, making decisions, taking care of him. Until now. I have decided to give up control (OMG!) and just let Owen be responsible, let Owen make decisions, let Owen be Nathan’s primary caretaker. Owen works from home and has his own business so he can take the time. We also have Nathan’s Mary Poppins who is an absolute miracle worker so she will be the one primarily “doing” while Owen decides and coordinates.

And me? I will pop in throughout the day to play with him, read to him, swing him, toss him up in the air, give him kisses, snuggle with him…and that’s it. I will not decide, I will not coordinate, I will not stress, I will not worry. I will enjoy.

And I will have to go through the rubble after the hurricane to see what’s left. Yesterday morning I looked around and wondered, what do I do? Every single book I have to read has something to do with child development, health, nutrition, disability. Every website I read is about the same. Every activity I do throughout the day revolves around Nathan. So now I have to figure out who I am and what I enjoy doing. I am excited about who I will meet on the other end!