An interview…

…with myself.

So, how do you feel about being pregnant? I am ecstatic!

How far along are you? 4 weeks.

OMG. Why are you sharing the news so early? Because I will not even honor the fear of miscarriage. I have decided that this baby is strong and healthy and there is no reason at all not to share the good news.

Are you afraid? That the baby may have HPE or some other condition? At moments. But I am conquering the fear. Fear is worthless and I will not go there. This baby is free to be whoever he/she wants to be, and we will love and accept him.

Do you have to go to some kind of high-risk OB? No. I’ve decided that going the high-risk route is not necessary. Finding things out will not change the outcome. I will not abort this baby no matter what. So why mess with the experience? I will treat this like a normal pregnancy and enjoy it!

What are the chances of this baby having HPE? Less than 10%

Any other comments?Yes. Today I can see the gift of Nathan even more clearly. I can see how, because I am Nathan’s mom, I have grown and evolved. 4 years ago when I got pregnant I was clueless. I was a child. Today I feel so much more mature. I feel I have gained more wisdom, patience, knowledge. For example, I realize that I have a choice in the experience that I give this baby in my belly! My emotions will affect him and how I take care of myself will affect him. When I was pregnant with Nathan I didn’t even know where the vegetable aisle as in the supermarket. Today I eat 1000% times better. I am so much more aware of my thoughts and emotions and have more of an ability to control them. So instead of getting upset or giving in to fear, I have been staying calm and bright and peaceful. Nathan’s gift to me is also his gift to his brother. How lucky we are.

Why are you calling him a boy?The night I conceived (according to the doctor and the ovulation charts), I recorded a dream in my dream journal. I woke up Owen early in the morning and said, I’m going to be pregnant this month. I dreamt with our son. He laughed and said that was wishful thinking. But it was such a real dream! I dreamt that I had just delivered a beautiful little boy. He had the biggest blue eyes and the sweetest face. I remember saying, hi little boy. But what’s your name? You don’t have a name yet. So in my dream I started asking all these names. And when I said Max, he smiled! So I said, so Max is your name? Hi Max! And he smiled. Then I woke up and it felt like I’d had that baby in my arms. So there you go. I think I’m having a boy. But last time I was sure I was having a girl so who knows!

Most importantly, how does Nathan feel?He is excited! I snuck into his room the night I found out and cuddled in his bed while he was sleeping and whispered in his ear that he was going to be a big brother. And in his sleep, he smiled! We’ve been talking to him about being a big brother and he gets excited every time I mention it. He’s going to be one awesome big brother!