Getting Real

I’m going to quote from Amy’s blog:

Today, Melanie over at Better Than Normal posted “Everything Out On The Table”. She’s overwhelmed, depressed, and coming to the realization that she’s “not the super mom she wanted to be.”

Last week Katy over at Bird On The Street posted “Jealousy Jane”. Sharing the difficulties of seeing other families with multiple children, all healthy, and we don’t even have one healthy kid. She quickly followed up the next day with “Counting My Blessings” because she is not about being negative. Just real. Admitting the struggles we all face as the moms of special children.

Amy, Eli’s mom, also joined in by sharing about her own fears and experiences.

I figured I’d jump on this boat too.

* I feel a murderous rage when I think of how Nathan’s neurosurgeon injured him further. If I ran into that guy today I think I would physically hurt him. The child already had a lot to deal with – why did that @sshole piece of $hit have to hurt him even further?

* Nowadays I live day by day and don’t allow my mind to think of the future. Day at a time. But when it goes there and I can’t stop it – days when I’m tired, days when I’m stressed – it scares the crap out of me. Sure he’s a lot of fun now, when we can carry him and toss him around and chug him along with us wherever we go – but what will life be like when he is 80 pounds?

* I suffered sooo much when Nathan was little. I simply couldn’t accept his disability. I was determined to fix him. Realizing that I simply couldn’t fix him shattered me to pieces, and I’ve spent the last couple of years trying to rebuild myself. Today I feel much stronger, but it was sure a hard, heartbreaking, lonesome journey.

* Sometimes I 2nd guess myself. I posted a couple of days ago about my view on rehabilitation. There are days, however, when I wonder – am I holding Nathan back by not picking one thing and sticking to it? I try to be strong and believe in my choices but sometimes I wonder…and that wondering is so painful because then I feel responsible for his lack of progress and development.

* My extremism towards Nathan’s rehabilitation has put such a strain on my relationship with Owen. It has been so difficult for us at times – making tough decisions, especially as we have such opposite views about Nathan’s care, has almost torn us apart. We have managed to become stronger through it all but it has been a STRUGGLE. There were times where I just didn’t see how we could pull through. It’s not just the big decisions, it’s the little day to day things. Fortunately our love of each other is so huge that we’ve survived, but I could write a book about all we have gone through and managed to overcome.

* I have gone through moments where I just want to shake Nathan and tell him to just get over it! For example, his aversion to being put on the floor on his back or belly drives me crazy! The moment his butt hits a surface, he goes into instant whiny mode. I know this is holding him back and I just want him to get over it! Those moments I forget just how hard every movement is for him and I just can’t understand why even turning from his back to his side is so hard – it seems so simple! I know it’s not, but it sure gets me frustrated sometimes.

* I’ve been in counseling since before Nathan’s birth. Without my counselor and support team – My mom, Owen, Miranda, Dr. Kenny, my chiropractor, and occasional massages – I don’t know if I could’ve made it through this journey. Literally. There were times were the only choice seemed to be to jump in my car and drive far far away. But with their support, I managed to stay put. Thank God.

Real enough?