What a fright

The day started with me on my knees, vomiting, courtesy of morning sickness. I heard my phone ring but couldn’t get to it. After I finally stopped I picked up the phone and it was the school, telling me Nathan was vomiting and needed to be picked up.

Given what a mess I was, I asked Martha, Nathan’s nurse, to pick him up. 5 minutes later, another call by the school, asking where I was. I explained Martha would be there shortly. 5 minutes later Martha called me and said they wouldn’t give Nathan to her, and someone wanted to speak with me.

It was Nathan’s principal. He said Nathan was very lerthargic and wouldn’t stop vomiting and went non-responsive, so they’d called 911, and the paramedics were on their way. At this point I took off all my clothes and was about to jump into the shower so I could rush to the school when Martha called me to tell me the ambulance was there and they were about to go to the hospital. You can imagine my fear.

I asked her to let me speak with the paramedic. I tried to explain, calmly, that the local hospital would not know how to handle Nathan and would simply call Nathan’s doctor, so I would prefer if they allowed Martha to drive him 2 minutes down the street to his doctor. The paramedic refused, so it quickly became a match of wits – me begging them not to waste time at the hospital, where they wouldn’t know what to do and would only cause him unneccesary suffering, and the paramedic saying that there was no way he could go to a doctor’s office and he had to go to the hospital.

At some point I found myself sitting in Owen’s car. I can’t remember how I got there. According to Owen I walked outside in my bra and put my shirt on while in the car. It’s a miracle I didn’t walk out naked. The whole thing was that intense, and all my attention was focused on keeping Nathan out of the hospital.

After a few minutes the paramedic said he was done wasting time, told me if I wanted to see Nathan he’d be at Henry Mayo, and hung up the phone.

I called his doctor and explained the situation and she said not to worry, she’d call the ER and give them instructions. So I rushed to ER. I cant’ remember how I got there. I was frantic with fear. Part of my mind felt that everything was okay and the entire situation was simply a cascade of overreactions. The other part, the part that will never fully shut up, the part that sleeps every night with her ear pressed to the monitor and still checks multiple times a night to make sure he is still breathing, was beyond panicked. What if this time it’s real?

I got to the ER and found Nathan in the bed, pretty out of it, but responsive and happy to see me. I apologized to the paramedic and thanked him for his help. I thanked the aide from school who rode in the ambulance with him. I picked my boy up in my arms and hugged him so so tight. Minutes later he was asleep in my arms.

The doctor came in and told me exactly what I told the paramedic – he had no idea how to handle Nathan, would call his doctor for instructions, and they’d of course do a CT scan in the meantime to check the shunt. They were also going to start an IV to hydrate him and draw labs since he had vomited so much.

The nurse got the IV on the first try. They took him to the CT scan immediately. Everyone was courteous, everything happened fast. I was so pleasantly surprised.

After a couple of hours the doctor said the shunt looked fine, his blood work showed mild dehydration, and he probably just had a virus, and we were free to go.

We celebrated the short, flawless, and uneventful emergency room visit by going to Islands for a burger and fries. By this point the IV fluids had done their job and Nathan was perked up and happy as can be, begging to eat burger and fries. As they say in my country, a sick man who eats can only get better. He kept his food down, and has enjoyed the rest of the afternoon and evening watching a couple of the Shrek movies – his current favorites.

What a fright I got today.

I am much happier that everyone overreacted and everyone took good care of him, than him being sick and nothing being done. But it sure scared me shirtless!

PS Nathan is already sleeping soundly after eating a light dinner and drinking tons of fluids.
PPS After they ruled out the shunt, they couldn’t wait to get rid of us, and told us to go to his doctor to figure out what had caused the vomiting and problems.

The essence of this life

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Today at the appointment with the homeopath Nathan burst into desolate tears. I got upset with him because he was crying at the wrong moment. His cries had a meaning but I was so focused on the task at hand I didn’t stop to dig deep into myself to try to decipher them. Usually when Nathan needs something, I can quiet my mind and ask his soul what he needs. Then I will get a vision in my heart, or hear words in my head, and I will know what he needs. But today I was too busy to go inwards, so Nathan cried and cried.

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Once we got home I realized what I’d done and I felt so bad. He relies on me for all his needs and I failed him. I was too busy to listen, too preoccupied to “hear” my little boy. And for a moment I felt angry. It’s a lot of responsibility to carry. What if I just want to “check out” for a bit?

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Then I heard something in my mind that shook me out of my little tantrum.

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Accepting Nathan, everything about him, is how you seize the essence of this life.

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I realized that the cute little boy in front of me has the key for me to make my life meaningful. He holds all of the lessons I need to learn in his heart, in his very being.

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Through him I can learn to be spiritual and internally “tuned” to myself and others. Through him I will continue to learn, and deepen, my unconditional love and acceptance. For him I will always strive to be a better human being. Because of him I have to see beyond normalcy and mundane concerns at what really matters in life. My son, my teacher, my well of knowledge, my wealth of inner development.

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I’ve known this for many years but it was so crystal clear in that very moment. I could touch, smell, feel this understanding, it was as clear as the sun and the moon.

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At different times I have wondered what the meaning of my life is. Sometimes I wonder if I’m supposed to DO something with the experiences I’ve had in the last few years? The knowledge I’ve acquired?

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I start thinking about writing books, opening therapy centers, creating websites, creating non-profits, establishing support groups…I wonder if there is something out there that will fulfill my life’s mission.

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Today I realized that there is nothing OUT THERE for me to do, that it’s all IN HERE. That what I have to do to make this life meaningful is to learn everything my little boy has to teach me.

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To learn the deepest acceptance possible, at every single possible level. To unconditionally love everything about him, even the things that can be annoying or distressing (like The Head). To open my heart completely even at the most difficult times.

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But what of Belle, and peanut, you may be wondering? How do they fit in? I feel they are all part of the same lesson. Belle may not bring the same challenges but she teaches me in many other ways. And so will Peanut, who has already taught me to let go of my desire to plan and be in control.

How fortunate I am, to have these most amazing of teachers!

I had plans.

In July, Owen and I were finally going to get married at my dream church.

We were going to go on a honeymoon, probably to Hawaii, and party ourselves to oblivion (kid-free).

I was going to lose weight. I heard about Cinch from Catey, and was ready to start the diet. I had already purchased most of the foods and was a breath away from starting.

I got EA Sports on the Kinect so I could exercise every day at home. Not only was I going to lose weight, I was also going to get fit. Very very fit.

I was going to Florida with Belle for a girls weekend out with a couple of my friends.

I was taking Nathan to New York for CME and to Sacramento for ABR.

But the universe had other plans for us.

Meet Peanut. Our little surprise. Who jumped the gun. And had his own plans. And we are oh so happy that all our plans went awry.

Welcome to the party little Peanut. We can’t wait to meet you around Sept 12th.