Reflections

I tend to be the kind of person who takes on a “project” and then focuses body mind and soul into that project. For years my “project” was helping Nathan. This changed towards the middle of this year.

During my trip to Colombia in May I spent a lot of time reflecting about my life. I came to many realizations – most importantly, that I am a person who deserves as much love and attention as my children do. In nurturing Nathan I forgot to nurture myself and those in my world. I lost touch with Owen, with many of my friends, forgot what it is about life that I enjoy, who I am, what makes me tickle, what brings a smile to my face. I forgot myself, and consequently, there wasn’t much I could give others.

Since May I have been changing all of that. I have been prioritizing myself – taking time to have fun, exercise, meditate. I have organized my life so i can get a night off every week (thanks mom!!! ) and made it priority to use that time to have fun! I take time every single day to do at least one thing for ME.

And oh, how it’s paid off. I am so much happier. Owen and I are finding our way back to each other. I am a better mother to the children. I am a better friend (to those I have left). I am healthier, fitter, more joyful. I am enjoying my babies and not resenting them for everything they are taking from me.

In order to do all of this, I had to come to a deep understanding and acceptance of Nathan’s disability. This was the year that I simply said, Nathan is who he is, and he is perfect the way he is. I still worry about him, but I work on that every day and I try to bring peace and acceptance into that space of worry. This acceptance freed me to move on with my life. For the first 5 years it was all about waiting to see how Nathan developed. Now we know.

So now it’s about enjoying his perfect, joyful soul and living life to its fullest as a family of 5. It takes a lot of letting go. Every single day I have to watch as my mind tries to control things, and I have to breathe release into that desire to control. Instead, I accept and go with the flow. This has meant making compromises. Way up there is my ideal for how I want to raise my kids. A few notches down is an acceptable paradigm. So I ask myself every day, what do you want, to be right, or to be happy? I want to be happy, so that means making compromises – for example, I would love for my kids to be Gluten free, but it’s too difficult and stressful, so we eat as healthy as we can within normal limits. I would love to do more Medek in New York, but now that there are 2 more children, I appreciate every little bit we can do from home. And so my life goes.

It’s been the hardest year of my life. It’s been the fullest. The most fulfilling. I am so grateful for everything this year has brought. It brought me back to myself. A little baby! Acceptance of Nathan. Joy in mothering all my children.