I was taking the dogs for a walk last night at the park and just reflecting on the day. I love being out late at night with the dogs under the stars and moon – it’s my favorite time to go for a walk, the open skies take me “out of myself” and I just feel wonderful.
The park was completely abandoned so as I walked, I talked out loud to Belle. I was telling her about her brother, the story of his birth and the story of his first year.
And as I walked and talked the strangest thing happened to me – I started weeping. It wasn’t just the tears slowly tricking down your cheeks kinda crying, it was the weeping/bawling kind of crying. It was the weirdest thing because I had absolutely no idea why I was crying. I’ve never been happier in my whole entire life, I have absolutely nothing to cry about. But cry I did.
I kept on walking and as I cried and walked I found myself saying, “I’m so sorry…I’m so sorry…I’m so sorry Nathan..I’m so sorry.” Over and over and over again. Gosh I’m crying again just by typing this.
And as the emotions left me I realized I had been holding on to this grief for a long long time. It felt like old, stale grief, grief that just needed to be released, grief that needed to come out to create space in my heart for even more happiness.
It was grief for all of the fear I experienced the first year of Nathan’s life. Grief for all of the times I was angry at him for not doing things better. Grief for all of the times I wanted to change him, and couldn’t. Grief for not seeing the amazing unique gem in front of me sooner. Grief for all those wasted moments when I could’ve been enjoying my perfect son, but instead I longed for something different.
And through tears and release I found myself saying, “I didn’t know any better, I just didn’t know better, I wish I’d known better.” But I didn’t. So I made a conscious choice. I decided to forgive myself for all that wasted time.
So as I continued walking I said out loud, over and over and over again, “I forgive myself, I forgive myself.”
And then Lucas ran into a fence (he’s the most awkward uncoordinated dog in the planet) and landed on mud so the moment was lost and the tears of release became tears of laughter.
And I’m sharing this because it was honestly the strangest thing to me. I had no conscious idea that I was holding on to that grief. It took me completely by surprise. But I did feel lighter after having cried and gone through that moment. I felt one step closer to deeper, immovable peace.
Do you feel that you are holding on to subconscious grief?
Thanks for sharing and being so honest Marcela. Right now, I am grieving each day and feel like you felt during Nathan’s first year of life. I keeping hoping Samantha will get better but so many trials keep coming up. We fought the seizures and she has been seizure control for a month and half. Now, we are trying to fight the feeding issues. It doesn’t get any easier as they grow up, huh? I hope one day I will be as strong as you. Thanks for blogging about your life.
Oh, how come there isn’t a photo of you being prego? You have 48 more days, how exciting!!!
Blessings to you always, Nicole
You know, I had a similar experience when I was driving one day–some song came on the radio and I just bawled for no real reason.
Your post really touched a raw spot deep inside of me. I am at work and really have to stop myself from crying.. I understand!!!
Thank you for sharing. I cried as I read this and then laughed when your dog ran into the fence. 🙂
Beautifully written!
That ugly head of grief that comes out every so often. Thanks for making me cry at work:)
Afew weeks ago Maxx had just finished falling asleep and I was laying there watching him sleep so peacefully and I just started weeping uncontrollably. As I ran my fingers through his hair I kept saying im sorry over and over again for not keeping him safe while he was inside of me.
So yes totally been there. Thankyou for sharing your feelings and experiences with all of us. I am going to stop now before I lose it at work:)
Love you:<)
I’ve been there, too. It feels good to get it out and forgive yourself, even though sometimes happens at unexpected times.
Marce, always remember that you have not done anything wrong. Not you nor any of your friends bloggers here. Always remember that all of you are “The Blessed Ones” Believe you me! Beside al mothers carry that feeling because you kids, come without instructions, so raising you is a matte of trial and error. It was great that you have the opportunity to release those feelings and from now on, everything will be better and Dr. Lucas, as usual. Dummieeee!! HAHAHA 😀
Wow….I stumbled across your website as I was following another one of my daily \blog reads.\ I am so thankful that I did. This entry struck a chord with me as well. I feel as though I could have written this. I feel kindred to all the woman who have posted here. I don’t have a local support group, and my son’s disorder is often misunderstood. Much of the time I don’t understand it myself, but like all of you………we have become mothers to the most unique children. Knowing that we are not alone we will raise our sons and daughters to all that they can be!
Marce, algunas veces me he sentido igual, son coasa inexplicables, pero suceden, parecen ser algo mágicas y al final quedas tranquila, lo mejor es que puedes llorar y botar toda esa angustia, pena y sentirte mejor y ser mejor, vamos amiga queda tan poquito para recibir a Belle!!!, conversale de todas tu aventuras por Chile, y estoy segura que algunas de ellas ya te causaran risa!!!. Un abrazo grande, besos, karym