Stream of consciousness

Today Belle is 11 days old. She is alseep on my chest in the ergo baby with the infant insert. I love hearing her breathing softly and feeling the warm baby breath against my heart. I love that I can move around with her tightly cuddled against me.

Talking about moving around. This has been a hard recovery. This C-section HURT. I recovered miraculously fast from my C-section with Nathan. I thought it’d be the same with Belle. Instead I’ve found myself hurting and hurting. I didn’t want to take Vicodin because I am breastfeeding so it’s been super painful. I stopped taking it about a week ago except for one dose before I go to bed – it’s the only way I can sleep, or the pain is just too much. During the day I am using traumeel tabs and traumeel cream. Thank GOD for traumeel. It offers instant relief from the pain.

And talking about pain. A few days ago I took off my find a STAPLE still stuck to my skin! The nurse at the hospital forgot one! Can you believe this. She took all the other staples off except for this one that’s been driving me crazy. It’s pretty ridiculous. I have to go in tomorrow to see the doc and have the staple removed.

And talking about pain again…today I was breastfeeding Belle and thinking about how it’s already been 10 days…and found myself remembering the whole birth….and found myself bawling. This C-section sure was painful and traumatic…believe it or not it was far far worse than my surgery with Nathan. Even though I didn’t know if Nathan would survive birth and was told his chance of survival was only 3%, I had prayed so much for so long that my heart was at peace. The actual surgery and experience was peaceful and beautiful – especially when Nathan was born alive and screaming. With Belle everything was so fast and so painful and I wasn’t really ready. I’ll write about the actual birth in another post. The point of this is…it was a traumatic experience…with the most amazing reward…but I sure do need some therapy to get over it.

Now that we’re starting to get into a “groove”…my thoughts are starting to wander back to Nathan’s welfare. There is so much I want to be doing with him…but there is no time! Even if I didn’t have the baby…by the time he gets home from school, has lunch, and naps…he only has a couple of hours to do his therapies and appointments. I am having such a hard time trying to figure out how to set up his schedule. And once again I am wondering about the benefits of school. Is it a waste of time? What is he gaining vs time he is losing? Decisions decisions.

These are the things I’ve got in the works with him:

How do I integrate all of this into his life? Especially when I am mostly taking care of Belle?

I wish I could find nanny McPhee to come and integrate everything I want into Nathan’s life. If only I could find the right person to work with Nathan every day. To implement all of these things, without me having to beg, remind, plead. Is it too much to want? To ask for?

I keep thinking that if I could find a consistent program with Nathan, and repeat stuff over and over and over again, he would be much further along. We’ve started so many things with him, none with consistency. I feel this is the time for consistency. I feel that now we have all of the tools – we’ve explored so much and uncovered the best of the best – now we just need to implement it day after day after day. But how???? Nanny McPhee, are you out there? I am desperate. Please come to me.

These are the times I wish I could open a school/therapy center that incorporates all of these things into the routine. Wouldn’t that be to die for? If I could send Nathan to this “dream center”, and they work all of this into his day… I would be deliriously happy. How to make this happen??!!!

Belle is breathing deeply against my chest. She is the most peaceful, sweet, easy going baby. She squeaks and purrs like a little kitty. The only times she cries is if she’s hungry or if she’s been away from mommy for too long. How can one person fall so deeply and recklessly and so quickly in love…THRICE? Owen…Nathan…now Belle.

This is like my 3rd time on the computer since we got home. Life sure is busy now. I owe a lot of you emails. Please forgive me, I will write when I can .. I am catching up with life..slowly but surely!

Time for sleep…good night.


  1. (What a wonderful post!) So sorry you are in pain! Hoping you feel better soon – that the staple removal does the trick! (I had opposite experiences with my 2 also, pregnancy&birth.)

    You are so ahead of the game for thinking through Nathan’s programs. So few parents question the benefit of school for their children. I suggest you compare school (1 on 1) to each and every intervention you have on your chart. You might also rank every program for benefit and see which one comes up last.

    I tend to think of each of the positions you list under equipment as ‘physical’. Positioning is a powerful therapeutic technique because it places the body in specific relationship to gravity – working muscles as they were made to resist gravity and subsequently building bone.

    You don’t owe me anything (email). Love reading about your family. Thank you.

  2. Great post.I have been thinking you and the c- section. Sorry to hear you are in so much pain (she left a stapple?)! That traumeel is good stuff! Try to take it easy. I know that is hard for you!

    As for school…I send Christopher to school for social time and I really love his teacher and the units she does. He is learning things and really loves school and his classmates! He gets PT, OT and ST. I am going to push communication now that he is 7 and I have thousands of ABR hours in! Hope you are feeling better soon!

  3. Sorry you are in pain. Some surgeons are really good and some are less so–I learned that with Charlie’s g-tube surgery, which was traumatic for our entire family. Of course, I don’t know a whole lot about c-sections. Maybe this one is worse because it’s your second? Or maybe you aren’t so worried about Belle, so you are really experiencing this one? Ok, you probably didn’t need me to write a bible on that.

    It is hard to fit in all the things you want to do and it’s also hard when there are very few people who are as driven as a mom is. Even in my own family, I am the most-driven even if everyone loves Charlie. I dont’ know about all the other therapies, but we’ve been very intense with Feldenkrais for about a year, but when Charlie starts school we are going to back off a little. He’s recieved a ton of benefit, but I need him to be fully rested as well, so we’ll probably still go regularly, but less. Perhaps you can use a similar approach to the therapies you want to do–still do them, but lower the frequency.

  4. My c-section was very painful also, I tired not to take pain meds but it was just to much, my doctor said it was worse for me not to in the healing part. It took me a good month before I could wear reg clothing again. My c-s with Ryland was easy compared to Vera’s, so I’m right with you. I made the mistake of trying to pick up Ryland after only 2 1/2 weeks.
    As far as school goes, with Ryland he has so much fun in school andhas learned alot. He loves being around his friends. Its hard for me to send him everyday also but everyday I drop him off and he has a big smile I know he loves school. He has some really wonderful teachers, he knows all his basic colors, most of his shapes, a couple letters and working on numbers, oh he know many animals, that’s all in the last year a half.

  5. Marcela, por lo que leo, estas a full, pero animo amiga, el dolor pasará en algunos dias, sé que ahora es muy molesto y desagradable, pero es parte del proceso y con respecto a mi niñito, estoy de acuerdo contigo en tener un centro soñado en donde este todo integrado y los niños tengan acceso a todas las herramientas que necesitan!!!, pero en fin de alguna manera hay que priorizar y tratar de entregar lo que creemos es mas necesario primero y luego va el resto, te entidendo tan bien por la falta de tiempo y eso que yo solo tengo al Vicente!!!, animo y fuerza para estos días, les mando un beso grande a la princesita Belle y a mi niñito hermoso Nathan, para tí un gran abrazo con hartas energías y cariños a Owen.

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