Many of you who follow this blog have at one time or another commented or emailed me directly. If so, you know I do my best to email back and reply to comments via email (I don’t like to reply to comments on the actual thread because I think people generally don’t come back to check the threads that they’ve commented on). It is one of the greatest pleasures for me – connecting with others, helping when I can, being helped when I need it. One of the aspects that I feel defines me is a strong, overwhelming desire to be of service to others. I know sometimes I get a bit pushy in my desire to help but generally it comes from a good heart and a deep desire to see others well and happy.
“Letting go” seems to be a huge part of the life lesson that I have been learning, especially since Nathan chose to come into my life. With every passing year I realize I cannot control things. I have posted about this realization when I talk about not being able to fix Nathan, that I can only love and accept him, and offer him the best of myself. And the outcome…is just not up to me.
Part of that feeling of “letting go” is realizing I can’t do everything I want to do. I have so many dreams and ideas for helping others – I wish I could fully dedicate my life to service. But my reality is quite different.
My life tends to be very busy and complicated. There are many components to it:
I have to take care of Nathan physically, take him to therapies, set up and coordinate doctor’s appointments, set up and coordinate therapies, spend time researching new medical, alternative, and other treatments, look into equipment and coordinate getting equipment, put him to bed, bathe him, massage him, entertain him. I spend time every day reading blogs, forums, medical articles, and books so I can learn more about the brain, the body, and what’s going on out there in search of ways to help Nathan. It often feels like the “management” side of Nathan’s life alone is a full time job. Fortunately I have help at home, but I still have to make sure everything at the house is taken care of, that there is healthy food in the fridge, that I have all of Nathan’s supplements available, and mostly supervising that things are being done properly at home. Then there’s taking care of Belle, which at this point in time means getting a little bit of rest, taking all of my supplements and making sure I have them available, scheduling doctor’s appointments and making sure all of the doctor’s bills are current. Finally, I have my own business. I am an internet marketing consultant. As you can imagine my business is much diminished from what it was at the time of Nathan’s birth, but even now managing 10 clients is a lot of work. I have meetings with clients, reports, projects, accounting, dealing with problems, staying on top of the industry and making sure I am providing them with a valuable service. I obviously need to keep my clients happy because I need the income. And I’m always keeping an eye on things and starting side projects in hopes that things will take off as taking care of Nathan is immensely expensive! And now of course there’s Belle to think about too.
I do my best to stay on top of everything and maintaining my sanity…but sometimes it’s just too much. And now, as I enter my 3rd trimester, I find that I really need to slow down a little. I want to rest more and enjoy this time I have with Belle inside me. I’ve started a journal with letters to Belle that I plan to give her when she is older. I want more time for those aspects of life and motherhood – dreaming, resting, enjoying.
Consequently, I realize that I cannot do everything. So I’ve decided that, for the time being, I cannot answer all emails and comments, as I normally enjoying doing. I will continue reading blogging, reading your comments, and praying for everyone, as I always do. But I may not be able to write back or get in touch with everyone.
I hope you continue to come by and read about Nathan. I hope you continue to email and leave comments. I hope you understand why I cannot respond to everything. But know that all of you guys are in my heart and prayers and that I will always have a wish to be of service to you, if not now, then in the future.
And now I’m going to take advantage of the fact that Nathan is napping so I can eat some lunch and maybe even take a nap myself (!!).
With much love,
Marcela.
