A little piece of heaven

Today, I felt Belle clearly moving in my belly! It’s the first time! I’ve suspected I’ve felt her move before, but today I felt her kicking many times and it was just wonderful!!! It’s such an incredible feeling, truly amazing, to feel life inside you. I felt like she was saying, “Hi mommy, I’m here, and I’m well!!”

Talking about Belle, my mom asked me to please post a clarification:

“I’m not knitting. I’m hand embroidering, machine embroidering, hand sewing, machine sewing and smocking. Every single thing I have made so far, is a different technique or a combination of 2 or 3.”

She’s still working on most of these too, so they’re just a sneak preview of how excited grandma is to have Princess Belle on the way.

Now let me talk about Belle’s brother. He got an ear and upper respiratory infection and was a bit out of it the last couple of days. Fortunately I think I caught it early and I’m hoping it won’t be too big a deal. He’s on antibiotics now and an anti-allergy medicine. The doctor thinks he’s suffering from seasonal allergies as the weather in Chile is quite tough. And the constant irritation from the allergy is causing the infections. And the ironic thing – I have medicine that will help him with this – but it’s stuck in customs. Grrrrrrrr. The good thing is he’s feeling better and he’s back to Mr. Happy.

Today is a bitter sweet day. Sweet because of Belle, sweet because I get to hang out with Nathan, but sad because today Lucky moves to his new home. We had so much fun with the little bugger and I’m pretty devastated that he’s going. But I know it’s the best thing for him and the right thing to do. Plus I know I’m giving him to a great family who can probably take better care of him than I can, with all of our traveling and constant movement.

Finally, thanks for everyone’s support on the “guilt” post. It’s hard to share such deeply personal things but as I always say, they’re part of the journey and I always want to be “real” in this blog. What was really interesting for me was that I honestly hadn’t realized that the guilt and fear were there – it wasn’t until Thursday that I “saw” them. So whenever that happens, it’s painful but at the same time liberating, because once a feeling is out in the open I can work with it and overcome it, but when it’s hidden, it’s having an impact on my behavior and feelings but I don’t know it so I can’t work on it. So overall I’m always happy when those moments arise because it’s something else I can overcome and move on from.

After Lucky’s new mom picks him up, Nathan is taking me out on a date – we’re going to the movies to watch The Princess and the Frog, and then we’re going to have dessert and Crepes and Waffles. I love the dates I get to have these days – I couldn’t ask for a better partner in crime!

My visit from Mars, the god of war, left me with a very uncomfortable realization. It’s not like me to get so worked up over a bit of bureaucracy. I mean – I do have my temper – it’s sorta inevitable for me, given my heritage. But I work on it and try to keep my temper in check as much as possible.

So I had to wonder – why did I get so worked up over some medicine being held up by customs? And after some thinking and meditating (I had to, I was too much of a mess!!) I realized it was deep-seated, buried guilt.

Did you guys see Good-Will Hunting? The part where Robin Williams hugs Will and tells him over and over again, “It’s not your fault, it’s not your fault”? Consciously he knew what had happened in his life wasn’t his fault. But subconsciously he still felt he was to blame.

I guess that’s kinda how I feel. Even though I KNOW I didn’t cause Nathan’s malformation, deep deep deep deep deep down I still harbor secret guilt that I DID cause it. I made him. He was in my body. It was my body’s job to make him. And I made him defective. I used to joke with Owen telling that I cooked Nathan’s brain by getting in the spa before I knew I was pregnant. Or I drowned his brain by drinking too much water. But the one I never joked about because it hit too close to home was that I didn’t take prenatals, especially folic acid, therefore his brain didn’t form correctly. I was told by a neurologist early on while I was still pregnant that Nathan’s problem was likely caused by the fact that I didn’t take folic acid during those first 6 critical weeks, when I didn’t even know I was pregnant.

I’ve tried never to dwell on those thoughts. Just like Will I always say “I know it’s not my fault”. Consciously, I’ve never wasted time in that useless place of guilt.

But being pregnant again makes all those fears come right back up. Especially when my prenatals are taken away from me. When I heard that customs had my pills but wouldn’t release them I felt like it was going to happen all over again. No prenatals and another child to break. Illogical, irrational, I know…but there all the same.

This was all compounded by the horrible guilt that I felt over taking away Nathan’s 2nd CME session. For 2.5 months he’s done 2 sessions a day, but now he’s only doing one. The main reason was financial constraints, but I feel like I failed Nathan right when he needed me the most. He’s been doing so great, making progress, finally showing quantifiable results – and now I’ve reduced his therapy by half and slowed down his rate of progress. I feel like I’ve failed him. I feel angry at myself, impotent, and of course, guilty.

This guilt-fest has really worked a number on me the last couple of days.

Tonight as I was sitting in the goalie cage during water polo practice I had time to reflect and the words “It’s not a marathon” came to my mind. None of it is – Nathan’s development, or my journey with Nathan. I can’t just turn off the guilt switch in one day. I have to face the feeling, forgive myself, work with it, sit with it, feel it…until one day I can be released from that guilt. And as much as I want this therapy to be a marathon for Nathan, it’s not – he is a person first, a child, and I have to respect his feelings and experiences as one. So for both of us, we have to go slowly, at our own pace, knowing that sometimes we’ll be going uphill, others downhill, others we’ll be traipsing through a beautiful valley. But the key is that being results driven will only create expectations for both of us and take the humanity out of the journey and what’s the point of that?

So after I got scored on several times because my mind was truly not on that ball tonight I decided to chill out and once again, try to enjoy the journey. How can I not??:::

From Random

Today I got a call from Fedex. They are holding a package with Nathan and Isabelle’s (pre-natal) supplements in the Chilean customs. They are giving me all sorts of crap about releasing the package. It’s supposed to go through all sorts of hoops and hollalalas just because it contains medicinal supplements.

And I should just be grateful that those people weren’t in front of me because they wouldn’t have lived to tell the tale. All I could feel was RAGE. How dare these $%^&U* people keep me from giving my children the meds they need?

I confess that I smashed the phone against the wall in my fury and impotence and rage. I guess it’s obvious I haven’t been meditating lately, all my zen has evaporated.

Now I just got a call from Owen saying that to send the package back home it’ll cost over $100, and for me to “ransom” it it’s also going to cost over $100… on top of the hundreds of dollars it already cost to get the package shipped to Chile. It’s not just the money that’s infuriating me. It’s the TIME. They HAVE the medicines there, but it’ll take DAYS for them to process the release. In the meantime half of the supplements will spoil as they need to be refrigerated, and Nathan won’t take his supplements which have been so fundamental in keeping him healthy, and I won’t take the pre-natals that Isabelle needs.

And what’s even more frustrating is..I’m afraid. I didn’t start taking prenatals/vitamins when I was pregnant with Nathan until much later because I didn’t KNOW I was pregnant. And look at what happened with him. Now I’m going to have to deprive Isabelle of prenatals and I’m afraid about what might happen.

Why don’t I just buy them here??? Because I can’t FIND them here in Chile, Santiago has almost nothing in the way of vitamins and supplements. The stuff they sell is not the stuff I need.

I am so angry and frustrated I could scream!!!